Of Snowmen and Semen
by goldeneyedgirl247
Summary: James Potter is a terrible terrible snowman murderer and Remus Lupin is covered in a mysterious white substance which he claims is porridge...


**Of Snowmen and Seamen **

James Potter burst in to the Great Hall with a worried look on his face. With the grace of a hippogriff in heat, he ran over to the place where Remus Lupin was eating. In the short trip he managed to accidentally fling a plate of pancakes at a Hufflepuff and trip over a first year carrying a jug of maple syrup. Somehow, the syrup had ended up all over every student in the general vicinity, but James had remained spotless. Well, as spotless as a teenage boy living away from his parents could be.

One moment Remus was innocently eating his porridge, and the next he was covered in it. Lifting his hands to wipe the lumps of goo from his eyes, he scowled.

"James!"

"I'm sorry Moony!" James cried, ducking underneath the table.

"You—"

"Shh!" The dark-haired boy whispered furiously, clamping a hand over Remus' mouth and pulling him under as well.

Just then, Lily Evans entered the Great Hall, her cheeks as flaming red as her vibrant curls of untamable hair. She scoured the room with her eyes, checking for a splash of dark, messy, Potter-like hair. Once she felt satisfied that James was not in the room, Lily turned and stomped out in the direction of the Gryffindor common room.

Finally, James let out the breath he had been holding. He peeked his head out from under the table, decided it was safe, and crawled back onto the bench. The werewolf followed suit, dusting his clothes off as he went.

"Thank Godric Lily's gone. She would've eaten me alive!" James exclaimed, repositioning his round-framed glasses.

"And why is that?" Remus answered, unsure as to whether or not he wanted to know the answer.

James shrugged matter-of-factly, "I made her mad."

"What else is knew?" Remus rolled his eyes. Lily Evans _despised _James Potter.

"Mooonyyyyy!" James whined. "This time I didn't even do anything on purpose! It was an _accident_!"

Remus snorted, "Like the time you _accidentally_ turned everything Snape touched into bars of soap?"

"No! It was a real accident!" James shouted indignantly, "Like the time I lit my hair on fire!"

That was when Remus realized that James was serious. James rarely talked about the hair-burning incident. Seeing as James' hair was his pride and joy, "the incident" had been quite scarring.

"What did you do?" Remus asked threateningly.

"Well, me and Sirius got up early because we knew the first snowfall was going to be this morning and we wanted to have a snowball fight—"

"Yes, I know James," Remus rolled his eyes, "You woke me up at five in the morning to ask if I wanted to come."

"Whatever," James did not look the least bit embarrassed or apologetic. "So, we went outside and started to have our snowball fight, and all of a sudden Sirius spotted Lily and Katie down by the lake. He started running towards them and I was chasing after him with this massive snowball and…"

"And what James?" Remus questioned, an eyebrow raised.

"Well see, Lily and Katie had made this snowman… And Sirius went to the left but I was running too fast so I sort of…"

"Yes?" Remus coaxed.

"I killed her snowman!" James wailed.

"What?"

"I'm a snowman murderer!" James cried, breaking out into fake sobs and pounding his fists on the table. "And now Lily thinks I'm a terrible terrible man who destroys snowmen for fun!"

"Oh James," Remus said, trying to be supportive by putting an arm around his friend. "I'm sure she doesn't think of you any differently."

"You really think so?" James asked, looking up at the werewolf.

"Yeah," Remus smiled. "I'm sure she's _always_ thought you were a terrible terrible man."

James hit Remus hard in the shoulder.

"Thanks for you support!" James said sullenly, "You're such a great friend."

"I do what I can," replied Remus cheerfully.

"Fine then. I'm going to go hide in my bed until Lily forgets about what happened," James sighed.

"Have fun," Remus smiled. "Maybe you can set a world record for amount of time spent in a bed, because I'm pretty sure you're going to have to stay in there for a while."

James stuck his tongue out at his friend petulantly.

Just then James chuckled, a sudden smile coming over his face. "Hey Remus, what's the white gooey stuff you're covered in?"

Remus looked down and realized that he was still covered in his breakfast.

"It's porridge, you twat." He replied, reaching into his back pocket for his wand. A simple cleaning spell and he would be good as new.

Remus realized his wand wasn't there and James smiled. Remus knew James well enough to know that that smile meant bad news.

James held Remus' up wand slowly.

"James… Give me the wand," said Remus cautiously.

James shook his head slowly, left to right.

"James," Remus tried again with growing urgency. "Please?"

James smiled wider. "If you want it, come and get it!"

Remus lunged at James but James was faster. He leaped toward the exit of the Great Hall. Remus ran after him, forgetting to conceal the white stain covering the front of his sweater and pants.

"Remus is covered in JIZZ!" James sang.

"It's PORRIDGE!" Remus cried desperately trying to cover himself.

"Jizz!" James screamed, clicking his heels together in merriment as he ran.

Students in the Great Hall began to snicker and Remus turned bright red.

James smiled sweetly and began to run again as Remus bared his teeth.

The werewolf went bounding after his friend, through the corridors and up the staircases that led to the Gryffindor common room.

Suddenly, James turned a corner and saw a flash of red hair at opposite end of the corridor. Terrified, he ducked into an alcove. Remus ran toward James wondering why on earth his friend had allowed himself to be cornered. James held one finger up to stop Remus from calling attention to his presence. Remus' confusion dissipated when he noticed Lily Evans and Katie Goldyroot at the opposite end of the corridor.

He smiled and James' eyes grew wide.

"You wouldn't," James mouthed.

Remus chuckled, "Oh, I would."

James gasped out loud.

The werewolf turned to face the redhead and her companion.

"Hey Lily!" Remus called, "There's someone here who I know you've been looking for."

Distracted from her conversation, Lily raised an eyebrow and began walking toward the alcove.

James closed his eyes, as if he thought that if he could not see Lily, Lily would not be able to see him.

Remus grinned like the Cheshire cat, and Katie looked as if a muggle television program she really enjoyed had just come on.

"Well, well," Lily sneered at James' cowering form. "If it isn't the snowman murderer himself."

"Lily, I promise I didn't mean to harm your snowman!"

"That's Mr. Snowy McFuzz to you! May be rest in snowy peace!" The redhead growled.

"I was going too fast to stop! I promise! It was an accident!" James cried, shielding his face with his arms.

"Yeah?" Lily snorted, "And so was turning my hair blue yesterday?"

"YES!" James cried. "I promise! That was an accident too!"

"You said a spell _by accident?"_

"Well," James replied, matter-of-factly, "It was an accident because your hair was supposed to turn pink…"

"JAMES POTTER I CANNOT _STAND _YOU!" Lily shrieked. "You are an insufferable, grimy, bag of house elf toenail clippings! You are a terrible terrible snowman murderer!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Lily twirled her wand in one hand as if deciding what spell she should use on him. Suddenly, she murmured the incantation for the bat-bogey hex, and James screamed, clutching his face.

Remus smiled at the redhead. He could not have though of a better punishment himself.

Lily blew on the tip of her wand as if it were a gun and she was a cowboy in a muggle western film.

"Good one Lily," Remus smiled. "Nice choice on the bat-bogey."

"Thanks Remus, it should last an hour or so!" She smiled at him brightly before turning to walk towards the Gryffindor common room.

"Oh, and Remus," Lily called, turning over her shoulder. "Some hot water should help get the seamen off of your clothing."

"It's porridge!"

"Sure," Lily winked.

Remus groaned. James was a prat.

* * *

This is my first fic in a loong time and reviews would be SO awesome! Please let me know what you thought!

-Aly xo


End file.
